Thoughts On Accountability

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

If you're a writer, then you've definitely come across the phrase "Write what you know" at least once. Whenever I heard or read that in the past, I'd ask myself, "What do I know?" I knew my stories, places I had been to, my childhood, my memories with friends and family, and my relationships. I only knew my life. Looking back at what I've written, I'm glad I was able to use this blog as an outlet to express myself because sometimes it's easier to write it all out, go back after a day or two and delete or edit things, and then share it with whoever is willing to read it. It was a way to connect with people, regardless if I knew them or not, and to spill my thoughts without making anyone feel obliged to respond. They could just read what I had to say if they wanted to, and that was enough for me.

I stopped using this blog for almost a year, but that didn't mean I wasn't writing. I kept a journal as a quicker way to jot down my thoughts, and I started writing poetry on my laptop. If my poems ever get published one day, I'd be over the moon. Then again, I'm not sure if I'd want people reading about the deepest, darkest, parts of me. Not yet, at least.


So, I came back to share with you today everything I've learned so far on a topic that I've struggled immensely with in the past: accountability.


What's accountability? It is "an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility for one's actions." I also really like the following definition, found on the KLM Group's website:






Basically, accountability says, "This thing that happened to you/that was said to you wasn't fair, or it wasn't your fault. But you are still accountable for how you react to it--or don't react to it." Accountability makes no sense at first for those strongly opinionated and defensive. It's easy to ask "Why did this person just do that to me/say that to me? I wouldn't have done that," when faced with an appalling or otherwise unjustifiable act done to us by others. Yet, therein is where accountability comes into play: you can take it personally and let it drag you down with them, or you walk away confidently knowing their actions have nothing to do with you.


Your reaction, of course, does come from you. Which is why accountability is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to master. Everything I've ever seen or experienced usually affected me in some way, so I'd either react instinctively or take others' feelings and make them my own. It's a defensive mechanism that has unfortunately made it hard for me to live in peace daily. My behavior at times is a knee-jerk reaction, or a sort of defense mechanism for protecting myself against unwanted opinions of me or actions against me. 


But, why should I care so much about what other people think or do? 

I think for me, I'm normally the first to react or say something because I think what I have to say or feel has value/is important. While that might be true, it's also draining to give that much time and effort to people and their actions. It can also be downright toxic. If another person is suffering and they bring their suffering to you, you can definitely listen and provide feedback if needed. But if you take their pain as your own or get upset that they use it against you for no apparent reason other than to drain your energy, it's going to bring you down, too.


If I wake up with commitments to myself to enjoy life and be my own best friend, I am held accountable to those commitments--especially when the people I love can't provide love or trust for themselves or for me in the moment. The same goes for strangers; if someone I don't know well or at all is attempting to hurt me because they are miserable, I can still hold myself accountable to the one person who truly matters: me.


If you're anything like me, compassion is probably a huge factor in your life. You maybe care about your loved ones to the point where you put yourself last sometimes for the sake of their happiness. But sometimes, you also find yourself caring a little too much about things and people that honestly will not matter in five years. I can't begin to describe how exhausting it's been all these years to give a shit about the most trivial things and people that are no longer in my life. People have even made jokes and memes about this, saying that they're "extra" for having so much flair and energy. While a certain kind of extraness is perfectly harmless (umm, have you SEEN Jonathan from Queer Eye?!), it's a completely different story when you are the one who is actually doing harm with your emotional venom.


I recently found out an interesting fact about baby rattlesnakes that will tie into what I'm getting at here. Since the babies don't have rattles until they shed their first skins, they can't give any warning before they strike and "can’t control the amount of venom they inject meaning they will inject everything they have." Knowing this, I thought the same idea could be applied to humans. Maybe some of us take a little longer to shed our old skins and don't give warning to those closest to us because we aren't ready to do so, thus hurting them almost unexpectedly? Don't get me wrong--it's never OK to hurt another person because you are feeling miserable. But sometimes the ones we love the most get the brunt of our emotional venom because they love us so much and understandably want to be around us when we're feeling low. And sometimes, it takes our loved ones cutting ties or taking space away from us for us to really understand that it's time to thank the layers that maybe once protected us, but need to be shed because they no longer serve us now.


It is normal to have shitty times and moods in life. However, it is also normal to work through these emotions with a strategy or game plan that keeps the emotional poison away from others. Everybody is different and deals with stress, anxiety, anger and sadness in their own way, but it's imperative for everyone to know the impact they have on the people around them when they're feeling ready to strike. You know yourself best, so the best way to allow these feelings to come and go while not taking it out on others really depends on how well you listen to your body and what it truly needs.


Strategies that have worked for me on dealing with my heavy burdens lately include free writing or keeping a gratitude journal, asking a friend if he/she has time for me to vent for as long as they can possibly listen, crying (despite what you may think, I end up feeling a lot better and can sleep much more easily after a good cry), blasting my favorite bands/artists and belting out a feel-good song in the car or in the shower (I'm totally fine with looking like a weirdo while sitting in traffic), sweating it out at the gym, and watching a show, video, or movie so funny that it makes me laugh until my stomach hurts (I highly recommend any of America's Funniest Home Videos' compilations of babies/kids doing hilarious things). 
If all else fails, even taking deep breaths and relaxing my body can really help. There are great videos available everywhere to help coach you on the best tips for meditation breathing or even belly breathing, but again, only you know what's right for you. 


Lately, I've been waking up to five goals taped up in my bathroom so that I can see them every day as reminders of the commitments I make to myself. They're simple, but specific to my needs, so I can remember what really matters most in my life when I start to feel overwhelmed. I'm starting a new job soon and have more prospects on the horizon to enrich my life and make it meaningful, but the only way I can really accomplish everything I set out to do has to start with me holding myself accountable. I have an amazing support system that cares about my mental and physical health, but they can't always be there to make sure I'm staying true to my goals. I have hurt people that I love and care for in the past simply because I wasn't being honest with myself and depending too much on others, when it should have been me that I needed to depend on. In knowing this, and in going through the pains of tough lessons, I know that I can and will take decisive and intentional steps because I deserve to break free from self-imprisoning cycles that are only holding me back from living with my truest intentions of enjoying a happy and meaningful life.

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