I wanted to share my experiences during this period of physical distancing/social isolation in hopes of connecting to those that I haven't seen in a while, or even those that I might never meet in person. I hope this helps you feel less alone.
I have been suffering from anxiety and what felt like mild depression for a long time. I fell out of my routines and felt like I had no energy, but I continued to ignore the signs. Then, the quarantine happened and I felt so disconnected from my friends, colleagues and students, and so distant from my local grocery clerks, store cashiers and postal service workers despite being several feet apart. Although I love having peace and quiet in my personal space, I'm a highly social person that needs daily interaction with others to function properly; some people find small talk mundane or irritating, but I believe that if you listen closely enough to the way a person remarks about the weather or how they share a silly anecdote with you, you can learn everything you need to know about them in that instance. So, to not be able to partake in my daily interactions with others was unknowingly taken as a hit by my subconscious. As the weeks progressed of staying inside, not moving my body how I used to, and seeing mortality rates rise due to both the respiratory virus of COVID and the social viruses of racism and xenophobia, I felt even worse. I had painful cramps after eating any type of food and drinking cups and cups of chamomile tea, and I wasn’t sleeping well. I was tired and I ached for sleep but it evaded me, like the stars in the night sky evade the grasp of a child who's intent on catching them. I thought that my stress and anxiety had finally won.
But my body fought back in the strangest way.
For the first time ever I broke out in hives, which I considered the peak of it all, so I finally called my doctor. After speaking with him (and crying numerous times to my loved ones about how shitty I was feeling), I took a step back and realized all that I still had to be grateful for: being quarantined with my family, being able to FaceTime or call friends, a new job that I could still work hard at, a supportive new partner, and my health. The hives were initially so difficult to accept and look at—they spread from my arms to my back, chest, legs and stomach. I was itchy and miserable for days, but after reaching this breaking point, I returned to meditation and saw the hives as a sign of my body crying out “I’m not okay, and I need you.” I reminded myself that I am still breathing and alive and able to get up each day I am given on this earth.
I couldn't see all my blessings because I thought I was failing completely. That’s what mental illness does: it traps you with thoughts that make you feel like you have no way out. These thoughts can be crippling and seem very real, like the monster you swore you had under your bed when you were little. At times you feel like you can't even breathe, or like you're going to throw up or pass out and the only thing you can do is hold onto something or sit down until it passes.
My doctor prescribed me an ointment for the hives and told me, “My recommendation for you about your anxiety is cardio. Walk or go for a run wherever you can. You're a very conscientious person who cares about everyone, and we're all in a funk that's being called 'the new normal.' You're used to your routine of going to school and being social for hours at a time, and now you're working entirely from home. It's easy to become stuck in your head and have obsessive thoughts when you’re working from home, so you have to do something different to break away from that and move your body.”
I’m slowly easing back into working out how I used to, and I forgot how good it felt to challenge my body. Plus, challenging my body actually helps challenge my mind, and as someone who has issues controlling her obsessive thoughts and ultimately lets anxiety take over, working out isn’t just a hobby--it’s part of my survival. If I did indeed need medication, I am sure I would find the right resources for myself because this is the absolute perfect time to reach out for medical help via telemedicine and free counseling. But we’ve got to give our bodies a chance to fight back in every way possible, and that includes using what we’ve got while we’ve still got it.
So for the first time in almost three months I ran yesterday. I ran to the park and kept running as my heart pounded in my chest and reminded me I have resilience and strength. I ran as the sweat beads formed on my face and I felt the muscles reawakening in my legs and arms. I blasted the new Lady Gaga album in my headphones and kept running and challenging my body until it was time to go home. Once home, I opened the windows and kept dancing and still moving to the music. I felt alive again. I felt what I had been missing for a very long time, way before I was cooped up at home due to the pandemic. I was a prisoner of my own mind, and I was beginning to set myself free.
If there is one thing this pandemic has taught me, it’s that we all suffer and have our own variations of illness, whether it’s mental or physical. But suffering silently for weeks, months, years, and calling it "living" is not truly being alive, and it's not fair to you. You have to challenge and discipline yourself somehow, and it starts by doing the thing that scares you or seems hard at first. The hardest part is actually just beginning something—beginning a new routine, a new workout, a new mentality, a healing process. Speaking to medical professionals can also seem daunting, but they are experts in treating your illness and there is no shame in needing help. You may be the most independent person that you know, but you must remember that you cannot do it all on your own.
The human body and mind are extraordinary things, and the healing process is always, always painful when you start it. But I promise you that we were not designed to be complacent in the destruction of our bodes and minds. We were not born to feel miserable and angry and sorry for ourselves. Yes, the world is FULL of external factors that were designed to cause us pain--systemic injustices, lies, hatred, cruelty, and violence--but we can rise above these factors when we are aware of our abilities, talents and gifts. Yes, trauma is very real and so many of our brothers and sisters are continuously fighting oppression and inequality targeted specifically at them. The best way we can support each other in these dark times is to first and foremost be taking care of our health, our families, our homes. When you have that in order, you can see everything as it really is, which is an illusion that we believe as the truth.
But the truth is that in order to dismantle the very things that cause people pain and suffering, we have to dismantle the turmoil that's within ourselves. To offset everything that's negatively impacting society, we can't feed into its negativity or lower ourselves to levels of aggression and chaos. Otherwise, nothing changes and no healing takes place. Our ability to transcend past our enemies and aggressors and instead begin a new way educating, electing, and voting can and will lead us into a new way of living, a better way of being and a real opportunity of truly loving ourselves. We all deserve to feel alive and happy, and it starts with small steps and true gratitude.