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I found my first white hair last week (or shall I say, my trainer Sam did) under the already terrible fluorescent lights of the gym. I twirled the snow white strand that could have easily come from a senior citizen, as if at any moment color would return to it. Sam tried to make me feel better and have it be a celebratory moment about fully becoming an adult, but I threw it into the garbage and tried not to panic. In the span of seconds, my brain came up with different causes for having a strand of white hair before turning 30: stress from my previous job, stress from having my own apartment, genetics (sorry Mom!). But no matter which way I spun it, the fact remained that I am still getting older, and time really does not wait for anyone or anything.
As always, so much has happened this past year that I honestly don't know where to start, so I'll do my best in summarizing the last few months and how I choose to learn from it all.
To begin with, my career took an odd turn that I didn't think would ever happen. I switched from teaching high school Spanish to middle school Spanish, a decision that happened within just days in August. The challenges I faced at my last schools left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I felt compelled to make a definite career change. I had started looking for nannying/tutoring positions since the spring; the recruiter I was in communication with was super friendly and helpful, but parents weren't looking yet and wouldn't be looking until the start of the school year in the fall. I was nervous but excited about the idea of tending to one child instead of seeing multiple classes a day, so I pushed forth and sent resumes out any chance I got.
I decided to take a hostess position offered to me and figured it would be something interesting to add to my CV. In that same moment, a former classmate from both high school and college texted me that her school needed to fill a spot last minute. I initially cringed at the thought of teaching anything other than high school, especially since I was already on the verge of leaving the profession entirely; yet, she had remained a trusted friend of mine since graduating, so I sent in my resume and continued on with my morning. Not even an hour later, the principal invited me to an interview the following Monday, and something inside told me to just go and give it my best effort--at least I had a backup job. What happened next was almost surreal. The interview was a breeze (major win for being interviewed by that same friend!) and I accepted the offer from the principal that same day. I met my students and coworkers a couple of weeks later and right away, I felt like I had made the right decision.
At first, I couldn't believe I had almost given up on my career just because I had a rough time under certain circumstances and leadership. I didn't think of myself as a quitter upon leaving after the year ended, but looking back, it made sense that so many teachers had left the school after even less than a year. I miss so many of my former students, and I regularly communicate with former coworkers, but I also remind myself that places and people are temporary. Some experiences might be so damn hard while you're going through them that you will be ready to bow out early in the game, but it's important to remember that everything will change you for the better if you let it. However, I'm only speaking for myself because I know that I have a high tolerance for mental warfare, so it really depends on how well you know yourself and what you can put up with. It doesn't make you any less stronger to leave a situation (or person) that makes you constantly feel degraded or humiliated.
What does make or break you is what you choose to learn after walking away from the situation/person. As impossible as it seems in the moment, we are not at fault for the way people treat us. Yes, people can gossip behind our backs, spread lies, and generally try to criticize and judge us without even knowing us. What they see on the exterior is what they base their image of us on, and that image is a total lie. When we know ourselves--our true selves--and our purpose on this earth, that is when we shield ourselves with the ultimate truth. This truth is simple: our purpose is to love, to be love, to choose love every day. What makes it hard to do is when we allow emotions to cloud our decisions, which leads to more drama and more suffering. We want to be angry, sad, jealous, all because it's so much easier to give in to our demons. It feels good to seek revenge, to try to break down others, to demoralize them, but we only hold onto burning coal and expect to hurt others when we are really just hurting ourselves. We are no better than the next person, yet we like to gossip and create conflict because it makes us feel more powerful when we're actually feeling helpless and hopeless in our own lives.
In forgetting myself and my needs, I also allowed pain to remain in relationships this past year by choosing not to learn from previous mistakes. If there is one rule that every relationship needs to have, I think it should be to always speak from the heart. As scary as it may seem to be completely vulnerable in front of another person (friend, family, partner), you will always gain more by communicating honestly than by holding onto fear. You are only lying to yourself if you truly believe that your flaws are too much to love or that you cannot get through tough times together because you are not worthy of giving or getting unconditional love. If you really want to focus on the drama and pain, it is better to let the person go than to subject each other to fear. You just need to be honest with yourself and know what you want to eliminate further drama.
I am by no means an expert at life (regardless of the new color of hair I'll find again in the near future) and I am not sure yet of who I will become, but I am sure of one thing: I don't want a life of suffering. My interests and lifestyle might change again in the next ten years, but as long as I choose to see beyond exterior walls of lies that people tend to build, I will be living the life I want. I will be living my true purpose. I have fallen way too many times to count, made decisions in the past without thinking of others, without thinking of myself, and I have created my own walls of resentment and judgment. What hurt the most wasn't what I said or did to people, it was how I felt upon saying or doing those hurtful things because I knew I wasn't being true to me. In the end, you are the only person who could ever support and love yourself the most, so why would you want to create a hell for you to dwell in?
You don't have to wait for the end of the world to reach nirvana or heaven. You have the ability to live in it every day. The thing is, we are also living in a society fearful of its own reflection under domestication that tells us to stifle our true selves in order to suffer like everyone else. This makes it nearly impossible to be happy with who we are and the choices we make daily. Due to relentless situations and leaders, the world is living in fear now more than ever, but it also means that we need to step up to the challenge and act with kindness and compassion even more. This is not an easy time to be alive, but it can be worthwhile to face fear together and remember our true nature, our ability to forgive ourselves, to forgive each other and start over any time we wish to.
It may seem like I digressed a bit, but through all the joys and pain that I faced this past year, I was finally able to make sense of the mess. As long as I remind myself I am not the mess, but rather a force of life that can rise above it, I can be and do anything I choose. I hope that you can find comfort in loving yourself and others through the darkest moments of humanity, because you can also be and do anything you choose. The only thing that limits you is a thought, but those can always be changed.